Karma??

So the house fell through, it was a big ole' mess and it just did not work out.  We went out in a last ditch effort to see what was left in the area...and found an even better house. And we put an offer in.  Now we are waiting to hear...and while we are waiting we hear from our prospective rentors...who saw our readvertisement and still haven't found some place, and still love our town house, and could postpone their move date a bit...  but we need to hear if our offer was accepted... if there ever was a time to pray and believe in things working out for good people, now would be the time I ask for your prayers, thoughts, crossed fingers and toes...  we should hear by the end of today... so much for my anxiety going away!

First a rant...

Ok so first I am going to post a bit of a rant.  I have this "friend" from way back when.  Love(d) her dearly... always been supportive (from a distance because we live 300 miles apart), total facebook friends, used to be friends in high school - had her at my kids 1st birthday party even!

At that party, she was with a guy - a great guy. Eventually she ended up pregnant - they broke up, accroding to her, him not supportive at all. Found out through another friend, SHE stopped taking the pill and never told him. Also SHE beat the crap out of awesome dude. He was hesitant to parent with her, she apparently was crazy after all, and voiced his opinion to terminate said pregnancy.  She did not and continued with the pregnancy. Totally supported her (though didn't know all the details until partly through the pregnancy, but whatev, was supportive). At the same time, when awesome dude came around he came all the way around and wanted (wants) to be part of baby dude's life.  She has made his life hell and made it difficult for him to do so.  Regardless, that's their problem. I support both of them (though not really friend with him, totally support him for joint custody). 

All that aside, she made the decision not to circumsize her son, and to exclusively breast feed.  Good for her, again I support her choices.  They are her choices to make.  She has no job - food stamps and welfare support her.  Ok fine but she just finished a surgical tech program and has a marketable skill that is easily employable.  Again, her decisions, I can deal and shut up.  Yet now I am tempted to delete her as a friend on facebook because she has now become a soap box woman.  All her activity is now centered around talking about how circumscion is abusing children and the people who choose to do so are barbarians. And that people who use formula and don;t want to breast feed in public are evil.  Her son is 12 weeks old and she has become some expert on these topics in that time.  I am all for her having her own opinion and all...and she has never and I don;t think would ever, publicly attack another woman - but I circumscized my son (well the surgeon did) and I used formula. I stopped breast feeding about 12 weeks in for a number of different reasons.  Needless to say her rants are what made mothers like me suffer for weeks with postpartum depression in order to breast feed my twins.  She is the reason people like me feel like less of a woman.  And again, I support her choices - she is free to choose whatever, but is it wrong of me to be upset that she spouts this crap? Isn't this what is wrong with the whole debate to begin with?

Ok, I think that is the end of my rant.  In other news, we are under contract on a house. Our inspection is tentatively set for tomorrow and I still have not heard if it's a final and absolute go so I am nervous. And we found a family that wants to rent our house. And my family is in the process of arriving for the kids second birthday party this weekend. And I have to sit in on interviews for a new position in my office tomorrow.  I think I might lose it at any moment... oh and I have a wicked cold!!  Should be a fun week?!

scared, nervous, excited...

It seems the planets might actually be aligning for us.  We found a house we loved...it was out of our price range.  We gave them a lowball offer.  They verbally countered with a bunch of ridiculous conditions and an amount a tad higher than we wanted to go.  Once my agent talked to theirs and their agent pounded some sense into them, the removed pretty much all their conditions when they submitted their written counter...but stayed at the same price, which when I say is a tad over our price, I mean literally...$2000 over. We can live with $2000 over, since it's still technically in our approval range.  And we still get our inspection and the ability to come back pending its results.

We are going over on Saturday to walk through again, and do a closer look...before making a final decision to accept.  OMG? Did we just get the house of our dreams?

And now we wait...

We found the perfect house.  Perfect.  It's more than enough room for my family to live in, and host holidays, and even have my parents move in, if and when they ever need to.  It would be my forever home.

We got approved for about 87% of the costs... our mortgage would cover 87%.... and my parents agreed to help us come up with the down payment...but that amount just got a bit bigger than we anticipated.... smaller than our worst fear, but bigger than what we originally thought.... so now we present the options to my parents...and we wait to find out how much they can swing.... and if it's too much, then we are done for now.  I can't take this again... we will wait at least another year to even start looking.  Part of me hopes my parents say it isn't doable for them, because they have given me everything I ever could have dreamed of in my life....and I feel like a shlub and a horrible person for even asking... and part of me prays they say yes, because it would give me a place that they could come to anytime they needed. 

So that's where we are....and now we wait.

Hope...

So after being frustrated, having a miserable week at work, and two tantrum throwing almost two-year old toddlers at home, it's nice to have something to be hopeful about. (Side note, I love my babies and count my blessings for them every day, but just because I was infertile, it's hard to deal with the screaming for 3 hours straight and can be a bit depressing).  Today I asked my parents if they would be willing to help us with a down payment on a new (to us) house.  To be fair in the interest of disclosure, we already own a three story townhome, which we bought at the tail end of the housing boom and still owe more than its worth.  We made our own down payment then... and we could wait a few years to buy a house and sell it and buy a new house, but the deals that are out there now are hard to pass up.  We are looking at basically buying the home we will live in for the rest of our lives...and since our parents are not getting any younger, the thought of needing to take care of them does play in my head, and their just is no room to do so in our current home. Plus the twins love visitng other peoples home where they have room to run - no real running room when each floor is about 6-700 square feet and a postage stamp yard.

When we bought our home, the presumption and intent was to stay there for 5-7 years and move into our "family" house - ie where we would raise our kids.  The current market makes selling our current home a far cry from reality....however, if we rent it, we can probably get a bit more than our mortgage, HOA and escrow cost.  So it wouldn't really be a loss.  And we live right near a military base where the realignment is set to ramp up numbers even more...so its not like we don't have a rental market. 

Anyway, I emailed my parents this morning, because if they are willing to help us, depending on how much they are willing could mean the diference between move in ready with all the bells and whistles to needing a lot of work!!  My mother already replied that her and my dad would discuss, but wanted some numbers to know what we were talking...so it appears they are at least willing to consider helping us.  So right now, I am going to hopeful that this might work out, and we might be able to host a Christmas or Thanksgiving without putting people in the backyard to eat!!

Frustrated

I feel like I am a hamster stuck in a wheel, running at top speed and just getting no where.  We decided we would start looking at houses, the kids need room to run and the townhouse ain't cutting it.  We found one we loved, but it was under contract in 2 days. Then we found one we really liked...but found out that because it wouldn't be our first home purchase, the money we were banking on from our tanking IRA can't be used. Adam really wants me to ask my parents, but they have done soooooo much for us, I am completely uncomfortable with this. 

When he got his new job, it was after 4 months of unemployment, which ate most of our savings, plus the salary was less than he was making.  Plus he is back in school - community college, but tuition and books cost just the same.  I get my raise in April, but it doesn't seem like it will be enough.  So now he is ready to call it all off and just wait until the kids are like in 6th grade.  Which makes me sad, because they are so happy when they have room to run around and just be kids. Now he is talking about trading back his new car to save money - which I totally disagree with. You made the purchase, I am not throwing money away because you changed your mind - in the long run it would cost less to keep the car til it dies!

It just sucks that somehow we do everything right, we follow the rules, we do the right things and somehow we are still in the hole,  - we could start to carry a balance on our credit cards to save money, but that's just giving more money away.  I don't know what to do.  Meanwhile, I watch friends and family - with the Iphones and fancy vacations who also collect food stamps, and have no visible means of support. Somehow they are able to do all the things I want to do for my family...all while I do all the right things, and am still wearing underwear from when I got married 6 years ago... it is just so frustrating!!

Additional info after this most recent post....a good friend of the family died today. It seems we will be headed to NY in the next few days for his burial.  He had stage 4 prostate cancer, and made it for 2 whole years...this morning they gave him days to live so we started trying to figure out our best plan for the inevitable...then we got the call that he had passed. So sad for his wife and daughter...at the same time glad he is now enjoying his sweet heavenly peace...I hope my Grandparents welcomed him with open arms.  What a stinky day.

IF sucks.

As we struggled with infertility for years, I never remotely thought another members of my family would endure similar issues. The fact that I am finding out now that a precious loved one is having similar issues, and just experienced a devastating loss, it kills me. It makes me hate infertility as much as I did before we overcame it, except more. 

I get that if we want another baby, we will likely have to go through all the same medications and interventions. I get that we may experience loss again. I am ok with that for me. I am not ok with it for others. I hate that couples everywhere are still struggling with this. I hate that deserving men and woman ache for a child and sometimes cannot see that dream realized. I hate that there are people so careless that they toss children aside while others ache so desparately for them. 

It's not fair. I wish I could be there for her and hug her as she cries on my shoulder. At the same time, I don't know if she even wants me to listen.  I have reached out and offered my support from someone who does understand it from the other side...I just hope she takes it.  Helping others with this is really the only way I feel like I am doing something about it.

Inconsiderate arses...

We live in a touristy area.  We have the only "grandbabies/niece/nephew."  As a result, people - family mostly - visit us frequently.  Ok, my family visits frequently.  My sister (who is my bestie!!), we see each other once a month usually...at least.  She comes down more frequently - for convenience - easier to travel without two toddlers and a dog!  Well my sister-in-law (SIL) has decided to grace us with her presence. With her new boyfriend (14 years older than her and closer in age to her parents, but whatever, right?).  She's not particularly considerate though. 

She took next week off - so her boyfriend could move into her house.  They are coming here Friday and leaving Sunday night.  They have to drive through Jersey - on the turnpike - during summer.  And by her planning during peak hours.  We tried to advise her to leave early on Friday. But no. They planned to leave at 2pm.  Normally would put them here around 7. Except its summer. And they have to drive through Jersey. On the turnpike...anyone see where I am going with this? Hello beach traffic!! The didn't leave eat 2. At 11:15am, found out they were running late. Would leave at 2:30. They actually left at 3:30. A. bet they would arrive before 9. My sister had 9:17pm, I picked after 10pm.  I think I might be the winner.

So now we have family arriving well after their scheduled time.  Add to that, 2 toddlers who in the past 2 weeks have not slept past 530am.  Not even on weekends. So now we get to stay up late and wait for them. Then get up early while they sleep. My sister would getup when we get up, since she is coming to see the kids - she works around their schedule.  My SIL, not so much. She offered to make us breakfast...sometime after 830am.  Umm except I will have been up for approximately 3 hours by then. Gee thanks. Can ya? 

Ps - She sent us a grocery list for her ginourmous ass.  (And I am quite literal when I say GINORMOUS!) She's also cheap as hell. A. thinks she will buy us a meal at some point.  I beg to differ.

PPS - When she watched the kids with her mom while A. and I were at a wedding...she took a break. To read a book.  Gee, you mean the kids gave you a break. No!  The kids grandma did it herself...while she took a break. Because she was tired. Are you effing kidding me? 

PPSS - Remind me sometime to tell the story about how she isn't a Godparent - and the hell and fury that decision caused in her selfish ass.  Special.

I plan to have a glass of wine or alcohol in my hands at all times this weekend.  At least my parents come on Tuesday...they buy me the liquor!

unplanned changes...

We had no intention of looking a house, no intention of moving for at least a few years...yet there it is, our dream house. For sale.  For a dream price. Really? It has to be too good to be true?  There is no way in hell it could be real.  Yet here we are, with a call in to our agent to get us more info.  It's only been on the market 9 days, its a potential short sale.  Could we really get out unplanned shit together? Can I really pull a magical rabbit out of my hat? Even in the best case, it will take a lot of stars to align, a lot of groveling and pleading to get what we need. 

It is too good to be true, and that doesn't happen for us....or does it?

Now she's done it...

I should have known Friday was heading in the wrong direction... left work early to put the toddler beds together. This cute little pink lady loves to climb out and entertain her brother in the morning.  So to avoid injury, we were making the switch.  When I went to put them together, they ordered the wrong damn rails.  Despite my ordering from the furniture manager, despite describing in detail that we do not have the fancy cribs that turn into full size beds, despite all that effort, they ordered the wrong effing rails.  And of course I did not know this until after I attempted to be townhouse aware, and toss the boxes on garbage day.  Luckily, the manager admitted it was her error. Two sets of rails have been located and are being Fed Ex'd today.

That still does not explain this lovely pink lady.  M. decided to fight with the twisty slide on Friday.  She lost.  But really it was a weird freakish acident, and she was actually fine for a good half hour after, playing and running around the playground.  But then she tried to climb and started to cry. She doesn't cry. I mean she does, but only for a tantrum. This was not a tantrum. She doesn't cry when she falls, when she gets hurt. She just gets up and goes on as if nothing happened. Her brother, he cries. If it was him, I would have told him to grow a pair.  But it wasn't B. It was M. who was crying.  And pointing to her little wrist.  As the doctor said, when she landed, she "squished" her bone, and resulted in a torus fracture. Not fractured in the normal sense, but squished. Of course, there could also be a hairline fracture...not sure until more xrays.  The original diagnosis calls for a splint for one week...not sure about the latter. I guess we will find out on Wednesday when we see the "orthopedic tramautology" doctor. 

Not that the splint has slowed her down or even fazed her.  The next morning, she still climbed right out of the crib to entertain her brother. And she is still climbing everything and running around!  And she did not really cry once we got to the ER.  Such a trooper...

Things that infuriate me...

Many times recently, I have gone to post, but just not had the energy to sit down and write.  Shit, right now, I am at work and ready to fall flat on my face from exhaustion (thanks to a cranky 20 month old at 2am who decided to scream for 45 minutes...awesome.  Thank God he is cute or I would kill him).  So many random things are going on...

There was the fight that A. and I had, when one night he skipped on dinner he wanted, then didn't come home because he went to "stop in and say hi" to people...4 hours later, he got home. Pissed!  Then 2 nights later, he goes to play poker...my one request being please get home at a decent time,we have a lot to do the next day.  He got home at 5am.  Pissed!

Fast forward, he has been working for about a month now.  Must be feeling pretty darn good about himself, because now he wants to buy a new car this weekend.  I got him off a Suburban or Escalade...seeing as we don't have an extra $60k that I know about.  I have voiced my displeasure and desire not to proceed...but knowing him the way he is, I know he will go forward anyway...so at least I ahve him looking at cheaper SUV's...and when he does buy one, I believe I will win that battle.  But seriously, Pissed!

So tonight, A. has class.  I think next week are his last two classes.  He is hoping to get an A without taking the final.  I just can't wait for the class to be over because I can use a break from the terrific twin duo.  Yesterday was a big day...they both figured out how to get out of their cribs.  A. went in to get them dressed yesterday morning, and M. greeted him at the door.  Big sheepish grin on her face.  Then B. swung his leg over the rail, and slid down to join her.  WHAT?!  Good thing we bought those toddler rail conversion kits a few weeks ago.  So I have my weekend project cut out for me. 

Never a dull moment...gosh I need a nap.  Really tempted to hit the KFC drive thru tonight, feed the kids a Kid Cuisine, and throw in the towel!  I am pooped.

Damn fertiles...

So I am lucky to have my "twin"kies...I know that, and I thank the Lord every day that he brought them to me, that we were able to overcome infertility.  And yes, it does make the sting of another pregnant person become less. 

That being said, those damn fertiles, able to just decide, "Hey let's have another baby," and then BAM! They are pregnant.  And it's all just a happy joke.  I am happy for them, I genuinely am, but I can't lie. It still stings a bit...I mean, I had the Mirena put in to make sure nothing accidentally happens, but seriously, we had unprotected sex about a billion times over the 10+ years we were together before the babies...and not one single positive pee stick.  Chances of it happening once the Mirena is removed are slim. And I don't even know if I want more kids.  I am pretty sure, I never want to go through all the reproductive nightmares again. No more shots, hormones, etc.  Which of course means that we pretty much are done having kids.

I have my babies, yet I am still totally jealous of the fertiles and their ability to procreate and just reproduce so carefree.  To just say, I want a baby and there it is.  It just not fair to the rest of the worlfd, trying so hard to have bebies, and nothing.  Or having to go through so much to get them.  Whereas with others, it is as simple as making supper int he kitchen.  I don't get it.

Oh my God...

I need a break. I need to relax.  It has been more than a week of craziness. It started last weekend, my in-laws were here, and I felt like poo. But I trucked on, watched the twinkies so hubby could bond with his parents. And on Monday, I went to the walk-in clinic at my doctor's office.  Strep test - negative, culture - negative. Peritonsillar cellulitis, DING DING DING!! Basically, I had an infection in my throat and my glands, that was just shy of an abcess.  Armed with my super antibiotics, I went home, where I did not move. My fever topped off at 102, but finally broke. On Wednesday, I had a work meeting that I could not miss...of course my fever spiked back to 100.  So after sweating through the meeting, back tot he doctor I went. They didn't think it was any worse, but it certainly wasn't any better.  Because it didn't get worse, I got to skip the steroids.  I did get the maximum allowable dose of augmentin though.  Sweet.  Oh and PS - found out that on Monday, I was about a day, day and a half from a hospital admission. Turns out the peritonsillar abcess requires slicing the infection open to drain, and a course of IV antibiotics.  Lesson learned - go to your doctor folks.

So on Thursday, finally starting to feel better. Decide let me do some things around the house, then I can go back to work tomorrow and feel like I still got something accomplished.  Ring Ring. Telephone - day care calling. Your daughter has 101, come get her and no school tomorrow.  Thinking she might have what I do, I take her to the pediatrician. Not what I have. Small ear infection. Leave with an Rx for amoxicillin. PS - we were at the pediatrician's office the previous Tuesday for B.'s ear infection. Swell.

DH is at school tonight, getting the kids fed and up to bed at 7pm.  Approximately 635 pm, B. decides I want to put my leg on the other side of the love seat and throw all my weight behind it. Result, flying leap off the love seat, headfirst, into the base of the floor lamp. Screaming 19 month old with bleedig ghead wound. Apply ice (i.e. frozen vegetables), start thinking logistics for two toddlers and one mom at the ER. Shit diaper bag is still in DH's car...along with stroller.  At class.  M. running at my feet, trips and falls. Then starts eating the frozen veggies now falling out of the bag applied to her brother's head. B. laughs hysterically.  Relief as I realize no ER visit necessary.

Friday, drag the girl to work so people can coo over her, and I can have an adult conversation.  Survive the weekend and the temper tantrums.  Sunday afternoon, B. has green goo coming from his eyes and nose. Either sinus infection or pink eye. Sure to be sent home from school now.  To be sure, before bed, treat the boy's eyes with the erithromyicin ointment they have from last bout of pink eye.  Go to bed thinking smooth sailing.

Wake up Monday morning. The boy's eyes ares swollen like grapefruits, his cheeks puffed. Looks like he lost a fight with Tyson.  I know the look anywhere. Allergic reaction.  Figure it must be erithromyicin.  Take for sick visit at pediatrician (that's three visits in three weeks for those of you scoring at home...if not, try flowers - pa dump bump.). Diagnosis, sinus infection - treat with augmentin and probiotics (something I know well!).  Also, referral for allergist. 

So B. is signed up for his first allergy consult on Wednesday. His sister I have put off... which is worse, asthma or allergy?  Never a dull moment.

The a to Z's of Infertility

A – Age at Which you Started Trying To Conceive: 27
B – Baby Dancing or Sex: baby dancing
C – Children Wanted: 2
D – Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: one furbaby, a dwarf beagle named Phoebe
E – Essential Oils/Vitamins: Prenatal vitamins, plus extra vitamin d
F – Fertility Meds I’ve Taken: Baby aspirin, prenatal vitamin, Letrozole, Clomid, Lupron, Prometrium, low dose HCG, trigger shot, Estradiol,, Ovidrel, Follistem, Gonel-F
G – Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: my "twin"kies and an understanding of how little people understand
H – HSG test: it was the most evil test - it took over an hour just to get the catheter in, turns out i have a titled cervix... the nurse felt so bad she bought me lunch while I waited for the copies of my scans
I – Infertile Pet Peeve: how my SIL was so uncaring and could not understand that we could not be at her first chemo treatment because we had an IUI scheduled, or we couldn't visit all the time because i was in the doctors office every other day...so she could have the niece and nephew she loves to "watch" grow up even though she never actually sees them because it might interrupt her life
J – Job Title: Senior Specialist
K – Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken: it already was - DH's cousin told us her daugther would be isabella (years ago) so that was out, then Kailey  became popular, though spelled Kaylee, and of course Andrew and all our others
L – Lengh of Time Trying to Conceive: 3.5 years
M – Miscarriages: 1
N – Number of Times you have Swiched Reproductive Endocrinologists: none, I picked the best from the get go!
O – Ovarian Quality: decent
P – Pee-On-A-Stick or Wait for Aunt Flo: was a pee-aholic before the RE...once we started treatments, I refused util we had graduated to our OB, then it was only to actually know what a positive pee test looks like
Q – Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: "Oh you are getting fertiity treatments, thats not so bad, at least you don;t have cancer" - that was from lovely SIL...who granted had cancer, but this was after our pyscholoigist told us treatment is more isolating than cancer treatments because at least people rally around and support cancer patients
S – Sperm: below average
T – Time you Tried Naturally: not trying but not preventing - 2 years, trying - another 2 years
U – Uterus Quality: slightly tilted but otherwise good
V – Vagina: No complaints there
W – What Baby Stuff do you Already Have: now all of it, selling it at a yard sale this weekend
X – Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it! How many people know about your TTC Journey: during, it was everyone - as it got harder to answer the constant questions - just my sister and a few close friends
Y – Yearly Exam: usually every april
Z – Zits: after hormones, few and far between thank goodness!

I want today to be a good day...

1 update - the little girl I spoke of has been released from the hospital...doctors are encouraged and she is back home with her family, where she belongs. Pray she stays there!

In other areas...

It seems like a million years ago that we were in the throes of infertility...and with our ultimate success, I find myself drawn back to the blogs and forums I sought refuge in before... on the one hand, I try to be a quiet outside observer. I never want anyone to think I am flaunting my babies, or say that I conquered infertility.  I want to be supportive of these women, because I know, all too well, what it is that they are going through.  I know the pain, the isolation, the loneliness. I understand what it is like when there are 32 people around you who are pregnant, while you just get another BFN. I know it because I have been there.

I swigged Robbitussin to benefit from the guanui....that stuff that I can't pronounce because it helps your cervical mucus. I know what it's like to do gymnastics to keep the sperm "in", I know the joys of checking your cervical mucus in great detail for any slight change, or checking the toilet paper for any tinge of pink that might be implantation bleeding.  Regular people don't understand the nuances of this lifestyle, of the little things we do in staying in touch with our bodies. Women dealing with infertility are the most in tune with their bodies as any human can be.  We are aware of the slightest change...

Now that I have my 2 miracles, it's hard to detach myself from that.  Don't get me wrong, heck I barely have time to use the bathroom anymore with 18 month old twins...but I almost feel like I lost my membership to a special community of incredible women.  And I pray for them, I hope for them...

At the same time, mybe it's because I need some sort of distraction. A. still hasn't found a job. He has had some great interviews this week, so I know I need to be patient. But I am not. I want today to be THE day. I want him to get a job today. Because I need to relax. I need to not feel the anxiety that I mask each and everyday. I need to know I can buy that top, or that silly item...better yet, that I can get a haircut. I need to know that it is going to be ok, because I am tired of being scared that it is not. I need to know we are on the other side of this...I mean I had patience to get my babies, how can I be this anxious after a few months of him out of work. 

I guess part of it is the economy. I don't want him to be the average one who is out 9 months. I don't want him out the whole time he is going for his accounting program. I don't want to feel this unsetled anymore...I need to not be the strong and secure one and just be able to relax at night. I want to be able to sleep without needing advil pm (used to be only needed 1, now I need 2) just to sleep through the night.  I just want to be me again...

Enough is enough.

And the hits keep on coming...again, as my 32nd year of life begins, I am reminded of just how lucky I am.  How fragile life can be, how incredibly cruel it can be, how fate can just take something so magical and pervert it into something terrible.

Someone I knew back in the days, from the old neighborhood, I wouldn't say a friend of mine at any point in time, but one of those guys you knew, still lives back in my old town.  Popular guy, successful, family - for all intents and purposes, he stayed the guy you want to be.  Last week, he had to endure a week filled with such highs and lows, I cannot even imagine.

His wife went to the hospital to deliver their second daughter...their first, a toddler.  After some time, they ended up doing an emergency c-section.  Announced it on facebook, everything was great, they were the luckiest parents...an hour later, she was found on the floor, blue.  A blood clot from the the c-section.  She had emergency open heart surgery. She was put in a medically induced coma.  Friday, she was declared brain dead.  Saturday, they removed life support. 
In one week, they went from the beauty of life beginning to the tragedy of life ending.  It makes you hug your kids a little tighter...

And my other friend, her daughter is still having breathing issues, small seizures...pray please.

On a good note, another friend deliver two LARGE and heatlhy twins boys on my birthday...hooray for good news.

Bittersweet...

Today was a challenging day...the twins 18 month check up, and they clearly woke up on the wrong side of the crib today. By 9am I was counting the minutes til I could indulge in a glass of pinot.  And yet, as stressful and chaotic as the day turned out to be (cranky federal investigators hounding me for witness interviews, unavailable deputy superintendents, piles of work awaiting on my desk, an hour long back log at the pediatrician's office thanks to an accident on the beltway, coworkers wanting my precious moments, other coworkers seeking me to do their jobs for them, etc)...I am so grateful to have two healthy and strong toddlers.

A friend from way back has been on my mind as of late.  We haven't spoken in years, and I have only kept track of her through mutual friends...thank you Facebook! Yesterday her precious baby girl had brain surgery...and that's not even the half of it.  Her first son, healthy, her second son, began having seizures just hours after being born, and medication does little to curb them.  He is a beautiful boy, but at 6, is unable to walk.  After genetic testing, doctors assured her and her husband there was virtually no chance another baby would have similar problems.  Just hours after her baby girl was born, she started seizing.  Medication has not done much.  The little girl is just over a year old. 

Last week she ended up back in the hospital - life flighted back to Miami, home is in Texas - after a 2 hour cluster of seizures, and her rescue meds just didn't make much difference.  So yesterday she had brain surgery.  They are hoping this means no more seizures...and for her and her mom's sake, I pray it is so. 

As hard as twins are, I cannot even IMAGINE how difficult her journey is. Just daily life must be so trying...I am glad she has a supportive family and friends.  So as trying as my days are, as much and as hard as it is...when you look at someone else's journey, sometimes, it makes your just little easier to take in.

But I am still having my glass of pinot tonight...

Back to the drawing board…

One week post hubby getting a new job, we are back to where we started from.  It’s not his fault mind you.  This position wanted him to commit pretty much 12 hour days, 5 days a week, 2 weekends a month, and be on call at all other times.  I’m sorry, no job is worth that.  I went the whole week making it work, pointing out the good things, telling him we just needed to adjust.  But then they said he needed to commit weekends too and be on call.  That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

It wasn’t that I couldn’t manage.  I think I surprised everyone, especially me, at how I was able to handle being a single mom.  Granted, I don’t know how women do it all the time – they deserve medals!  But I got a taste, and surprised even myself.  But in that week, A. missed sooooo much.  M.’s words are coming fast and furious.  Yesterday, she said the dogs name…so cute to hear her say Phoebe!  And it was hard to be at the Touch-a-Truck event, and not let the kids run, because I can’t chase 2 kids in opposite directions, and to know their Dad would have had so much fun with them.

Still, there was no way A. would be able to go back to school like he planned.  There is no way he could even make it home before the kids went to bed at night.  So it is for the best.  Now I am just praying something else comes along.  Last night when we decided, I was so happy to have my husband back.  Not just to help, but I have missed him.  It’s not the same when he isn’t around.  So now he is back to looking for the next opportunity.  And I pray to God it comes soon, because no my money anxiety has returned.  The pit is back in my stomach, as I wonder how we will cover our bills.  I know we will be fine, but now that uncertainty is back to nagging me.  I just hope he finds something soon.  He really is happier when he is working…but like a human, not a glorified slave.

And so it begins...

Hubby started his brand new fantastic job...and the first day, he was excited, happy, hopeful.  Yesterday, day 2, he was deflated, anxious, apprehensive.  He is freaking out because it's his first week and already he has to work Satruday.  It is the busy time of the month.  He is annoyed because he has to work to help the others on their tasks, but no one helps him on his - he is essentially a  one man team.  Knowing him the way I do - i.e. better than he knows himself - I know that he is freaking out because it's a BIG change, it's something totally new and he still has no idea what he is doing and it's bigger responsibility.  I KNOW that once he learns his way around and knows what he is doing, he is going to like his job, if not love it.  Right now, he is just having a pseudo - buyers remorse.  And he is scared.

He doesn't do scared well.  He thinks I am a control freak, but at the same time, he is just as bad.  And he is at the whim of others for training and learning the ropes.  Once he is past this, I am certain he will be fine.  Plus he knows the twins are a handful, so I know he feels bad leaving me alone with them.  At the same time, while I wish he could be there, I am not the first woman to have to handle multiples alone. I mean how many single moms of twins are there, probably a ton.  I know I can do this, it just takes an adjustment.  Something neither of us are good at. 

In the meantime, I am trying to keep him positive, trying to stay supportive, and trying to make him understand what is really going on in his head.  It's hard because to see the 180 degree shift is hard.  But I know it's just the adrenaline going away and being replaced with a general feeling of, "What the f--- did I just do?"  His anxiety is giving me anxiety..but at the same time, in my head I know it IS the right decision/choice.  It's just an adjustment period.  I just hope I can convince him of that!

Today was a super good, very good day!

FINALLY!! After three months and many prayers DH, A. has secured bona fide employment.  And when I say that I mean, he has secured a job that is so much  better than the one he had before...a real adult job, with a real exempt salary, the prospect of business trips and long hours.Most people might find this upsetting, disturbing that he might not be around as much, but to me its fantastic.  And I don't say that because I don't like my husband - I LOVE him.  But it's the idea that he might enjoy going to work, and what he does - that he might get the satisfaction I do from my job.  I am so excited for him I could scream.

Of course, the increased salary helps too.

And I love that this position was supposed to be out of California...and he interviewed for a different job...and wowwed them as he wows me, and they said, hey, this can be done in Virginia, where you are...you're hired!

I am so excited.  SOOOO EXCITED.....and did I mention it has a higher salary...and I get to get my cleaning lady once a month.  SOOOOO EXCITED!!

Looking back...

Every now and then I am reminded of the struggle that brought me to today... yesterday, we went to the day care office, just to ask when the twins would be moving up - not til September - boo! - but the ofice is right next to the infant room.  It felt like only yesterday I was dropping them off in that room for the first time.  And when I saw the little babies, for a brief moment, I said, "I want another one."  Of course, then reason returned and snapped me out of it.  But really, I wonder if we will have more kids.  I wonder what it is like to be pregnant with just one baby - not be ridiculously huge, not have one baby moving constantly, not visit the radiologist for weekly ultrasounds and the perinatologist when things are "off."  Then I wonder if we do decide to have another baby, will we have to go through all the same "stuff" to get there. 

after the twins, I got a Mirena, IUD.  Not that I need it with twins in the house.  Can't remember the last time we had the energy to do anything!  But seriously, it was a long HARD process to get the twins.  3 years of trying naturally, then accepting there was a problem.  The worst HSG ever (thank you tilted cervix!).  Lots of monitoring, a chemical pregnancy, 3 failed IUI's, more shots than I have ever had in my life...(side note, the progesterone ones are THE worst!), then IVF with the retrieval, the bed rest.  It was worth it in the end, but I don;t know if I can mentally deal with all that again.

I just wish it wasn't so taboo, I wish people talked about it more.  I wish people understood more.  We went through all that at the same time a family member was going through cancer treatment.  The experts say the mental toll of infertility is equivalent to cancer - if not more because of its isolating nature and because people don;t talk about it.  I have to agree.  That family member had more support than ever, more love and help.  We actually were frowned upon for not being there for her - when people had no idea what a toll we were going through.  And that was in our own family.  These people knew we were getting help with infertility - no they didn't know the details, but they knew we were "in treatment".  And to this day, some still hold a grudge that we were not there for her...but who was there for us.  There were some people, but its the ones that hurt you that you can't forget. 

And I think to myself, it's sad that anyone else has to go through all that...and I just want to help, and be a support and be a voice.  And pray to God, they get their miracle too.

Moody Monday

Big exciting things in my world.  Seriously, the highlight of my day today...I found out my gynecologist opened an office about 7 minutes from my job.  I scheduled an appointment.  I kid you not, the excitement of my day was scheduling a pap smear!!  Now that is some serious living.... now some people may find this fact odd, but on a good note, my gyno is a hottie.  I mean seriously good looking. And man, when he checked on me in the hospital after I had the kids, that is a man who seriously knows how to wear scrubs!  His arms were like that of a greek god...sad when I get excited to pay someone my $15 copay to feel me up and examine my girlie parts!

Also exciting today....currently I am watching the streaming gamecast of the Marist Red Foxes Women's Basketball team....I really hope they pull off the upset of Duke.  As someone who was enrolled and deposited to attend Marist, but ended up going away to college, I do feel a bit of connection to the school.  Plus, my dad got his masters there....either way, it would be amazing if they can upset Duke - at home in NC!  They really were not given much respect when the rankings came out.  They lost 2 games all season, had the longest win streak in the nation going into the tournament, and got a 10 seed!  They were ranked 17 and 19 in the nation!  and Got a 10 seed!  Garbage....really hoping they pull it off.

In other news.  So my diet is going...I got on the scale this weekend, just because I happened to be in the basement...and happily I lost another 2 pounds.  I feel like I should really be trying harder, like working out. If I can get my BMI down to a healthy range, I kind of thought about doing something special....that is, being an egg donor.  I figure I got really lucky when I was able to have my kids...like SUPER lucky.  And I feel like I should let someone else experience the same joy.  

And I have to say, I often wonder what it would be like to be pregnant with just one baby?  I often wonder if we will have more kids.  Part of me is terrified of that.  I mean it was an unbelievable journey that brought us our kids....I wonder what it would be like to just have one...of course I say that as someone who is so exhausted I almost bit my kids toes off today.

I love my kids, but good Lord they are annoying.  There is a reason I pay someone else good money looked so carefully into a warm and loving day care.  I want them to have good opportunities - to be the smart assess geniuses I know they can be.  I mean, who can't help but want to stab themselves in the eye have their heart melt when B. is in the backseat and the dumbass lovely gentleman in front of me stops his shit car pauses his vehicle in the middle of three lanes of traffic, and I launch into an outburst of expletives give him a small piece of my mind and B. chimes in, shouting, "NONONONONONO!"  Ok, that was actually really cute....but them he got home and whined and threw himself on the ground, stomped his Nike'd foot on my bare toes gently placed his foot over my foot.  Thank goodness tonight he skipped the bedtime drama and went to sleep...I might have thrown him out the window otherwise I might have tucked him into his blanket like a donut roll so he could not move.

Church??

So the millionth reason I am a bad mom...my kids are almost a year and a half old, and they have not been Baptized.  They haven't even seen the inside of a church...bad mommy.  I am hoping that I am on the way to changing that though.  No easy task, given the fact my husband is totally agnostic/athiest, and the 4 godparents range from Lutheran, to Baptist, to Orthodox, and Jew.  Then of course there is me, I was raised Lutheran, but converted to Roman Catholicism in college.  I married hubby in a Catholic church...thought my kids would be Baptized by the priest who married us (and my parents) since he was a family friend....then he retired due to medical reasons and went MIA.  Alas, no Baptism.

Then my aunt had an idea, my grandfather was a presbyterian, and when he died there was a fabulous pastor that did his service...but she had moved.  She found her in Philly.  I emailed her and she is helping me find somewhere we can "belong!"  Alas, there is hope my heathen children will cease to be heathens!!

The horrible, no good, very bad day...

If you know me at all, you know I LOVE my job, I love my boss, and I love a select number of my coworkers (some are just dumb and try my patience).... well let me just say, the past 2 days have really tested my commitment to my job.  I work in an office that ensure the civil rights of a VERY large number of employees.  Most of the time, the claims we get are frivolous, or people trying to save their jobs, or people who are just ridiculous...oh the stories I COULD tell.  But that is not what I have been upset about.  It's the hypocrites and people that will commit kamikaze acts on your professional career that bother me.

We had received a case, where a woman claimed she was targeted for bad evaluations because of her race...after 20 years of employment, she suddenly halfway through the year, started getting bad reviews.  20 years of wonderful evaluations, and a sudden 180...odd but not impossible.  We looked into it, EXTENSIVELY, and no it wasn't because of her race, but it most certainly was not necessarily fair.  We were in agreement with the department who handles performance, this one didn't pass the stink test.  At least that was the meeting we had last week.  Then we set up a meeting with her boss for this week, to let her know we were recommending a transfer for a clean start to provide another evaluation, with fresh eyes.  If she bombed, she was out.  Then we get called to a meeting, with my boss's boss, and no idea what it's for.

We get in the meeting, and we get SLAMMED.  Totally blindsided.  This other department, their number 1 and 2, to our number 1 and 2, totally throw us under the bus and run back over us 4 more times.  They think she is a bad employee, no hope in any other location.  WHAT?!  So we are left holding our transfer recommendation, which by the way we have no power to carry out, and my boss's boss, telling us he wants "independent" investigations, but he just can't agree here.  Funny, considering the accused is a friend of yours! Last time we investigated a friend of yours, you told us what to find then too.  So I left the meeting with 1) a complete loss of respect for 2 individuals I truly believed in before, and 2) wondering what my purpose really is?

My boss assured me, its a matter of picking your battles, and in this case, this employee will seek other recourse, and likely will prevail as we have anticipated...so let them have their choice and eventually this woman will get a big fat check.  But I can't help but be completely dissatisfied.  Last week, when we agreed on her transfer, I left work that day thinking, "Wow, for the first time, we were really able to make a difference."  Now I wonder what our purpose is at all.  And I am left thinking that integrity really is rare in the professional world when it gets down to it.  It makes me ill, and it convinces me, that this other office leader is certainly up for my boss's boss's job....now that he announced his retirement.

Now that I am done with that rant, let me start another one....A. and I moved to the DC area years ago.  We have lived here for years.  We left NY after I graduated law school.  My parents moved to Florida.  My grandparents died, and my mom's family - who knows, who cares.  The only thing I had in NY was my sister.  Now people in my family are reaching out to me, which is great, but they keep bringing up that we should move back to NY.  Even my husband keeps broaching the subject.  Really?  Is there some magic in NY I missed?  Last I checked the job market in DC is better that upchuck NY.  Sure my husband's family is there, but we already established that even in NY, they wouldn't do much more than they do now.  Life would be not much different, with the exception that my sister would not have to drive as much.  Why would I leave my life? My job, which sure is frustrating, but I LOVE.  If someone missed the last 30 years of my life, that is not my fault and I am kind of tired of hearing about how its time to make up for it.  Ok, you want to make up for it, make up for it from there.

On a good note, unemployed A. was nice enough to get me a bottle of wine - the big one - and ice cream when I got home.  Not good for my diet, but absolutely good for me!

Just another manic Monday...

So spent the weekend in Waynesboro, VA celebrating "Faux" Grandma's 90th birthday (by "faux" I mean my husband's grandfather's second wife...and grandpa died a few years ago, so we have no actual relation to her...). Spent our first night in the same room as our toddler's.  In their 17 months of existence, this was the first time...and hopefully the last.  They were up until 930pm....at which time we put their tired cranky asses in their respective pack and plays, where they proceeded to scream for a good 20 minutes.  I lovingly escaped went to take a ridiculously and well planned 20 minute shower.  This was after sipping a good three plastic cups of pinot grigio, as well as a good three glasses of chardonnay at "faux" Aunt's house.  This was in order to survive the twin terrors romping around "faux" aunt's pretty house and playing dump the cheerios on the pretty floor, followed by mommy cleaning it up.  Daddy did watch the kids dump the cheerios, then proceeded to talk to everyone else.   Love him.

Additionally in attendance was sister-in-law (SIL), who while nuts, is oddly more normal now that she has a steady (r.e. closer in age to her parents than her) boyfriend.  She's oddly tolerable, though it makes me cringe when they talk of "our" in referencing recipes, homes, vitamins.  You've known the man since November.... its just weird, and oddly high school.  She was still weird but strangely pleasant.  My kids still love their auntie (r.e. my sister) better though, to the point where they know my sister by sight!

The hubby has some job prospects this week.  One interview tomorrow for an accounting placement agency - i.e. what he realized he wants to do with his life.  Another for a job he pretty much is guaranteed to get, but that he doesn't necessarily want.... as I say, if it can get our family through him completing this accounting certificate program, well then bring it on.  The idea of him working again is...intoxicating.  And without drinking....well that's not true, I did have a glass of wine tonight.  But it gives me hope that perhaps a bit of normalcy would return to our lives...perhaps a visit to Starbucks could return to my life!

Today was also a return to life as we know it.  B got into his first "fight"at school.  Of course, the fight was with a chair during snack time.  He apparently got so excited it was snack time that he was jumping up and down... and smack a 1cm gash in his eye with a chair.  Poor little guy...though according to his teacher, snack time made it so wonderful for him, that he did not even cry, despite the blood.  He was more upset when they took him from the room to attend to his eye, fearful he would miss his snack.

When I picked him and M. up at school, I had to find them on the playground.  Looking out over the expanse, I found no one resembling either of my children.  It seems my cautious and fearful little man has discovered the jungle gym...he likes to climb to the top, but has yet to discover the slide to get down.  He got so excited to see me when I arrived, but had no way down.  M. was in the back of the jungle gym...it appears our first trip to Chuck E. Cheese is in the near future...that will require a lot of drinking.  For sure!

Hello....is anyone out there?

So I decided to start writing this blog; maybe it will be therapeutic, maybe it will provide an outlet, maybe it will entertain someone.  For whatever reason, self importance maybe, so I can think I am so much cooler than I am, I decided to just go for it.  I am a writer by nature, it’s always been what I like to do, what I am good at.  Of course, that’s legal and analytical writing, not entertainment.  So here it goes I guess, what have I got to lose.

I guess an introduction of sorts is in order.  Just call me K.  I live in the DC suburbs, but am from the NYC suburbs originally – born and bred.  So I have always lived close to the action, but not “in” the action.  I married my college sweetheart, who by the way, was also my junior high sweetheart, and my third grade sweetheart.  Yeah, we are so those people (though not high school sweethearts, thank you very much).  So we’ve been together 13 years, married for 5…and we have 17 month old twins.

Now before you think we live some blessed life, which we do, it is not without it’s share of trials and tribulations.  Those 17 month old twins (a boy and a girl) took about 3+ years of trying to get to.  Lots of the traditional method, lots of ovulation kits, books about “embracing my fertility,” home test kits, lab test kits, an HSG (hysterosalpinogram) from hell (thank you tilted cervix!), diagnosed male factor infertility, one chemical pregnancy, one round of clomid (which by the way makes your skin feel like it’s on fire), three failed IUI’s, lots of injectables, transvaginal ultrasounds every other day during those cycles, blood tests, possible PCOS, possible endometriosis, one round of IVF with ICSI – and finally SUCCESS.  And for those of you who never go through fertility issues – consider yourselves lucky.  Infertility is by far the most isolating, lonely, and depressing thing anyone can ever experience.  And for the record, if you ever experience said issues, I GUARANTEE that everyone you know will turn up pregnant when you can’t get it done.  Just to rub it in…well maybe not purposefully but it sure feels like someone is just giving you a big middle finger.  But I could go on about infertility and all that for hours…

Anyway, we survived…and came out on the other end with the most ADORABLE kids you could wish for… M is the brightest, smartest little girl.  She never stops talking and gives the best kisses.  And B is the sweetest boy, who worships his older sister (by 2 minutes!) and gives the best hugs…but whines like no other (he is male, I suppose).  They are all over the place. 

My husband A…the best man you will ever meet.  He would give anyone the shirt off of his back, even if he just met you.  Of course, if you cross him, watch out.  He has got a vengeful streak.  Luckily, I don’t have to worry much about that…Of course, A got fired/laid off/left his job…whatever you want to call it, back in January.  I convinced him to go back to community college and pursue what he really wants to do with his life…but in the meantime, we need him to find something to pay the bills, keep the kids in school, and such.  ‘Course, the economy sucks, unemployment is raging…it’s a jungle out there…and they ain’t hiring.

Then of course, there is Phoebe, the dwarf beagle.  I kid you not.  I adopted a dog from the local pound (I don’t care what those PETA people say, I went to the kill shelter because, HELLO, isn’t it better to save a dog from certain death, than go to a no kill shelter and save a dog that is destined to live?) and first I almost left with Lucy, the epileptic beagle…my husband talked me out of that one (thank you dear, I owe you…as does Lucy, who otherwise would certainly be dead because I did not give her the antiseizure meds every 12 hours exactly, since I can’t remember to zip my own fly…).  Instead, I left with Phoebe.  At a year old, she seemed small, but it never occurred to me that she was different.  Until we met the beagle down the street…the one that was about 6 inches taller than her…not longer – same size dog, just Phoebe’s legs are literally about 3 inches long.  She looks like a regular beagle, but with these itty bitty legs.  Of course, short dogs are prone to back injuries…wish I knew that sooner.  You know before I spent $2400 on one night in the intensive care ER…followed by a trip to the “pet MRI” and 3 more days in the hospital for a grand total of $7700.  2 herniated discs requiring a neurosurgeon to do spinal surgery.  All for a free dog from the pound.

Good times…

Of course, lastly, there is me.  Middle class, raised as the daughter of a blue collar cop/military man and a retail worker.  One sister (who, by the way, while I hated her growing up – I mean to the point I threw a dining room chair at her, and not one of those light ones, I mean a heavy one – though she earned it, she used to dig her fingernails into my forearm so deep it drew blood…to this day, I can withstand things on my arms like no other) who is my best friend in the entire world.  Growing up, I was the overachiever and the fat friend… she will cringe that I say this-, and she was the thin, pretty, popular one.  As much as we hated each other – I idolized her…and loved when I was a freshman and she was a senior and she drove me to and from school (part of the requirement of mom and dad paying her insurance) so when she went out after school I had to go with her…and for the record, to this day I remain tight (as is she) with the friends who seemed to love me, even if she didn’t.  As the typical smart one, I did all the overachiever things: took honors classes, had a high GPA, went away to college, followed that with law school, graduated with honors, passed the bar (in a foreign state where I was totally unfamiliar with the law) on my first try.  Yeah kinda tooting my own horn here…

So I spend my day defending the civil rights of employees of a very large, we will call it, a non-profit – since it is a nonprofit.  When I get home, I am mom.  Oh, then of course I just applied for a job in my free time.  Wait, did I say free time?  I don’t have free time.  In my after hours…ok, in the time I am not working at my PAID job, I applied for a job with local government (just a contract gig, using my legal background to help employees there).  Clearly I am nuts.  So clearly in between ALL that…I decided, let me start a blog.  What was I thinking….I need a drink….