Every now and then I am reminded of the struggle that brought me to today... yesterday, we went to the day care office, just to ask when the twins would be moving up - not til September - boo! - but the ofice is right next to the infant room. It felt like only yesterday I was dropping them off in that room for the first time. And when I saw the little babies, for a brief moment, I said, "I want another one." Of course, then reason returned and snapped me out of it. But really, I wonder if we will have more kids. I wonder what it is like to be pregnant with just one baby - not be ridiculously huge, not have one baby moving constantly, not visit the radiologist for weekly ultrasounds and the perinatologist when things are "off." Then I wonder if we do decide to have another baby, will we have to go through all the same "stuff" to get there.
after the twins, I got a Mirena, IUD. Not that I need it with twins in the house. Can't remember the last time we had the energy to do anything! But seriously, it was a long HARD process to get the twins. 3 years of trying naturally, then accepting there was a problem. The worst HSG ever (thank you tilted cervix!). Lots of monitoring, a chemical pregnancy, 3 failed IUI's, more shots than I have ever had in my life...(side note, the progesterone ones are THE worst!), then IVF with the retrieval, the bed rest. It was worth it in the end, but I don;t know if I can mentally deal with all that again.
I just wish it wasn't so taboo, I wish people talked about it more. I wish people understood more. We went through all that at the same time a family member was going through cancer treatment. The experts say the mental toll of infertility is equivalent to cancer - if not more because of its isolating nature and because people don;t talk about it. I have to agree. That family member had more support than ever, more love and help. We actually were frowned upon for not being there for her - when people had no idea what a toll we were going through. And that was in our own family. These people knew we were getting help with infertility - no they didn't know the details, but they knew we were "in treatment". And to this day, some still hold a grudge that we were not there for her...but who was there for us. There were some people, but its the ones that hurt you that you can't forget.
And I think to myself, it's sad that anyone else has to go through all that...and I just want to help, and be a support and be a voice. And pray to God, they get their miracle too.
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