1 update - the little girl I spoke of has been released from the hospital...doctors are encouraged and she is back home with her family, where she belongs. Pray she stays there!
In other areas...
It seems like a million years ago that we were in the throes of infertility...and with our ultimate success, I find myself drawn back to the blogs and forums I sought refuge in before... on the one hand, I try to be a quiet outside observer. I never want anyone to think I am flaunting my babies, or say that I conquered infertility. I want to be supportive of these women, because I know, all too well, what it is that they are going through. I know the pain, the isolation, the loneliness. I understand what it is like when there are 32 people around you who are pregnant, while you just get another BFN. I know it because I have been there.
I swigged Robbitussin to benefit from the guanui....that stuff that I can't pronounce because it helps your cervical mucus. I know what it's like to do gymnastics to keep the sperm "in", I know the joys of checking your cervical mucus in great detail for any slight change, or checking the toilet paper for any tinge of pink that might be implantation bleeding. Regular people don't understand the nuances of this lifestyle, of the little things we do in staying in touch with our bodies. Women dealing with infertility are the most in tune with their bodies as any human can be. We are aware of the slightest change...
Now that I have my 2 miracles, it's hard to detach myself from that. Don't get me wrong, heck I barely have time to use the bathroom anymore with 18 month old twins...but I almost feel like I lost my membership to a special community of incredible women. And I pray for them, I hope for them...
At the same time, mybe it's because I need some sort of distraction. A. still hasn't found a job. He has had some great interviews this week, so I know I need to be patient. But I am not. I want today to be THE day. I want him to get a job today. Because I need to relax. I need to not feel the anxiety that I mask each and everyday. I need to know I can buy that top, or that silly item...better yet, that I can get a haircut. I need to know that it is going to be ok, because I am tired of being scared that it is not. I need to know we are on the other side of this...I mean I had patience to get my babies, how can I be this anxious after a few months of him out of work.
I guess part of it is the economy. I don't want him to be the average one who is out 9 months. I don't want him out the whole time he is going for his accounting program. I don't want to feel this unsetled anymore...I need to not be the strong and secure one and just be able to relax at night. I want to be able to sleep without needing advil pm (used to be only needed 1, now I need 2) just to sleep through the night. I just want to be me again...
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