Looking back...

Every now and then I am reminded of the struggle that brought me to today... yesterday, we went to the day care office, just to ask when the twins would be moving up - not til September - boo! - but the ofice is right next to the infant room.  It felt like only yesterday I was dropping them off in that room for the first time.  And when I saw the little babies, for a brief moment, I said, "I want another one."  Of course, then reason returned and snapped me out of it.  But really, I wonder if we will have more kids.  I wonder what it is like to be pregnant with just one baby - not be ridiculously huge, not have one baby moving constantly, not visit the radiologist for weekly ultrasounds and the perinatologist when things are "off."  Then I wonder if we do decide to have another baby, will we have to go through all the same "stuff" to get there. 

after the twins, I got a Mirena, IUD.  Not that I need it with twins in the house.  Can't remember the last time we had the energy to do anything!  But seriously, it was a long HARD process to get the twins.  3 years of trying naturally, then accepting there was a problem.  The worst HSG ever (thank you tilted cervix!).  Lots of monitoring, a chemical pregnancy, 3 failed IUI's, more shots than I have ever had in my life...(side note, the progesterone ones are THE worst!), then IVF with the retrieval, the bed rest.  It was worth it in the end, but I don;t know if I can mentally deal with all that again.

I just wish it wasn't so taboo, I wish people talked about it more.  I wish people understood more.  We went through all that at the same time a family member was going through cancer treatment.  The experts say the mental toll of infertility is equivalent to cancer - if not more because of its isolating nature and because people don;t talk about it.  I have to agree.  That family member had more support than ever, more love and help.  We actually were frowned upon for not being there for her - when people had no idea what a toll we were going through.  And that was in our own family.  These people knew we were getting help with infertility - no they didn't know the details, but they knew we were "in treatment".  And to this day, some still hold a grudge that we were not there for her...but who was there for us.  There were some people, but its the ones that hurt you that you can't forget. 

And I think to myself, it's sad that anyone else has to go through all that...and I just want to help, and be a support and be a voice.  And pray to God, they get their miracle too.

Moody Monday

Big exciting things in my world.  Seriously, the highlight of my day today...I found out my gynecologist opened an office about 7 minutes from my job.  I scheduled an appointment.  I kid you not, the excitement of my day was scheduling a pap smear!!  Now that is some serious living.... now some people may find this fact odd, but on a good note, my gyno is a hottie.  I mean seriously good looking. And man, when he checked on me in the hospital after I had the kids, that is a man who seriously knows how to wear scrubs!  His arms were like that of a greek god...sad when I get excited to pay someone my $15 copay to feel me up and examine my girlie parts!

Also exciting today....currently I am watching the streaming gamecast of the Marist Red Foxes Women's Basketball team....I really hope they pull off the upset of Duke.  As someone who was enrolled and deposited to attend Marist, but ended up going away to college, I do feel a bit of connection to the school.  Plus, my dad got his masters there....either way, it would be amazing if they can upset Duke - at home in NC!  They really were not given much respect when the rankings came out.  They lost 2 games all season, had the longest win streak in the nation going into the tournament, and got a 10 seed!  They were ranked 17 and 19 in the nation!  and Got a 10 seed!  Garbage....really hoping they pull it off.

In other news.  So my diet is going...I got on the scale this weekend, just because I happened to be in the basement...and happily I lost another 2 pounds.  I feel like I should really be trying harder, like working out. If I can get my BMI down to a healthy range, I kind of thought about doing something special....that is, being an egg donor.  I figure I got really lucky when I was able to have my kids...like SUPER lucky.  And I feel like I should let someone else experience the same joy.  

And I have to say, I often wonder what it would be like to be pregnant with just one baby?  I often wonder if we will have more kids.  Part of me is terrified of that.  I mean it was an unbelievable journey that brought us our kids....I wonder what it would be like to just have one...of course I say that as someone who is so exhausted I almost bit my kids toes off today.

I love my kids, but good Lord they are annoying.  There is a reason I pay someone else good money looked so carefully into a warm and loving day care.  I want them to have good opportunities - to be the smart assess geniuses I know they can be.  I mean, who can't help but want to stab themselves in the eye have their heart melt when B. is in the backseat and the dumbass lovely gentleman in front of me stops his shit car pauses his vehicle in the middle of three lanes of traffic, and I launch into an outburst of expletives give him a small piece of my mind and B. chimes in, shouting, "NONONONONONO!"  Ok, that was actually really cute....but them he got home and whined and threw himself on the ground, stomped his Nike'd foot on my bare toes gently placed his foot over my foot.  Thank goodness tonight he skipped the bedtime drama and went to sleep...I might have thrown him out the window otherwise I might have tucked him into his blanket like a donut roll so he could not move.

Church??

So the millionth reason I am a bad mom...my kids are almost a year and a half old, and they have not been Baptized.  They haven't even seen the inside of a church...bad mommy.  I am hoping that I am on the way to changing that though.  No easy task, given the fact my husband is totally agnostic/athiest, and the 4 godparents range from Lutheran, to Baptist, to Orthodox, and Jew.  Then of course there is me, I was raised Lutheran, but converted to Roman Catholicism in college.  I married hubby in a Catholic church...thought my kids would be Baptized by the priest who married us (and my parents) since he was a family friend....then he retired due to medical reasons and went MIA.  Alas, no Baptism.

Then my aunt had an idea, my grandfather was a presbyterian, and when he died there was a fabulous pastor that did his service...but she had moved.  She found her in Philly.  I emailed her and she is helping me find somewhere we can "belong!"  Alas, there is hope my heathen children will cease to be heathens!!

The horrible, no good, very bad day...

If you know me at all, you know I LOVE my job, I love my boss, and I love a select number of my coworkers (some are just dumb and try my patience).... well let me just say, the past 2 days have really tested my commitment to my job.  I work in an office that ensure the civil rights of a VERY large number of employees.  Most of the time, the claims we get are frivolous, or people trying to save their jobs, or people who are just ridiculous...oh the stories I COULD tell.  But that is not what I have been upset about.  It's the hypocrites and people that will commit kamikaze acts on your professional career that bother me.

We had received a case, where a woman claimed she was targeted for bad evaluations because of her race...after 20 years of employment, she suddenly halfway through the year, started getting bad reviews.  20 years of wonderful evaluations, and a sudden 180...odd but not impossible.  We looked into it, EXTENSIVELY, and no it wasn't because of her race, but it most certainly was not necessarily fair.  We were in agreement with the department who handles performance, this one didn't pass the stink test.  At least that was the meeting we had last week.  Then we set up a meeting with her boss for this week, to let her know we were recommending a transfer for a clean start to provide another evaluation, with fresh eyes.  If she bombed, she was out.  Then we get called to a meeting, with my boss's boss, and no idea what it's for.

We get in the meeting, and we get SLAMMED.  Totally blindsided.  This other department, their number 1 and 2, to our number 1 and 2, totally throw us under the bus and run back over us 4 more times.  They think she is a bad employee, no hope in any other location.  WHAT?!  So we are left holding our transfer recommendation, which by the way we have no power to carry out, and my boss's boss, telling us he wants "independent" investigations, but he just can't agree here.  Funny, considering the accused is a friend of yours! Last time we investigated a friend of yours, you told us what to find then too.  So I left the meeting with 1) a complete loss of respect for 2 individuals I truly believed in before, and 2) wondering what my purpose really is?

My boss assured me, its a matter of picking your battles, and in this case, this employee will seek other recourse, and likely will prevail as we have anticipated...so let them have their choice and eventually this woman will get a big fat check.  But I can't help but be completely dissatisfied.  Last week, when we agreed on her transfer, I left work that day thinking, "Wow, for the first time, we were really able to make a difference."  Now I wonder what our purpose is at all.  And I am left thinking that integrity really is rare in the professional world when it gets down to it.  It makes me ill, and it convinces me, that this other office leader is certainly up for my boss's boss's job....now that he announced his retirement.

Now that I am done with that rant, let me start another one....A. and I moved to the DC area years ago.  We have lived here for years.  We left NY after I graduated law school.  My parents moved to Florida.  My grandparents died, and my mom's family - who knows, who cares.  The only thing I had in NY was my sister.  Now people in my family are reaching out to me, which is great, but they keep bringing up that we should move back to NY.  Even my husband keeps broaching the subject.  Really?  Is there some magic in NY I missed?  Last I checked the job market in DC is better that upchuck NY.  Sure my husband's family is there, but we already established that even in NY, they wouldn't do much more than they do now.  Life would be not much different, with the exception that my sister would not have to drive as much.  Why would I leave my life? My job, which sure is frustrating, but I LOVE.  If someone missed the last 30 years of my life, that is not my fault and I am kind of tired of hearing about how its time to make up for it.  Ok, you want to make up for it, make up for it from there.

On a good note, unemployed A. was nice enough to get me a bottle of wine - the big one - and ice cream when I got home.  Not good for my diet, but absolutely good for me!

Just another manic Monday...

So spent the weekend in Waynesboro, VA celebrating "Faux" Grandma's 90th birthday (by "faux" I mean my husband's grandfather's second wife...and grandpa died a few years ago, so we have no actual relation to her...). Spent our first night in the same room as our toddler's.  In their 17 months of existence, this was the first time...and hopefully the last.  They were up until 930pm....at which time we put their tired cranky asses in their respective pack and plays, where they proceeded to scream for a good 20 minutes.  I lovingly escaped went to take a ridiculously and well planned 20 minute shower.  This was after sipping a good three plastic cups of pinot grigio, as well as a good three glasses of chardonnay at "faux" Aunt's house.  This was in order to survive the twin terrors romping around "faux" aunt's pretty house and playing dump the cheerios on the pretty floor, followed by mommy cleaning it up.  Daddy did watch the kids dump the cheerios, then proceeded to talk to everyone else.   Love him.

Additionally in attendance was sister-in-law (SIL), who while nuts, is oddly more normal now that she has a steady (r.e. closer in age to her parents than her) boyfriend.  She's oddly tolerable, though it makes me cringe when they talk of "our" in referencing recipes, homes, vitamins.  You've known the man since November.... its just weird, and oddly high school.  She was still weird but strangely pleasant.  My kids still love their auntie (r.e. my sister) better though, to the point where they know my sister by sight!

The hubby has some job prospects this week.  One interview tomorrow for an accounting placement agency - i.e. what he realized he wants to do with his life.  Another for a job he pretty much is guaranteed to get, but that he doesn't necessarily want.... as I say, if it can get our family through him completing this accounting certificate program, well then bring it on.  The idea of him working again is...intoxicating.  And without drinking....well that's not true, I did have a glass of wine tonight.  But it gives me hope that perhaps a bit of normalcy would return to our lives...perhaps a visit to Starbucks could return to my life!

Today was also a return to life as we know it.  B got into his first "fight"at school.  Of course, the fight was with a chair during snack time.  He apparently got so excited it was snack time that he was jumping up and down... and smack a 1cm gash in his eye with a chair.  Poor little guy...though according to his teacher, snack time made it so wonderful for him, that he did not even cry, despite the blood.  He was more upset when they took him from the room to attend to his eye, fearful he would miss his snack.

When I picked him and M. up at school, I had to find them on the playground.  Looking out over the expanse, I found no one resembling either of my children.  It seems my cautious and fearful little man has discovered the jungle gym...he likes to climb to the top, but has yet to discover the slide to get down.  He got so excited to see me when I arrived, but had no way down.  M. was in the back of the jungle gym...it appears our first trip to Chuck E. Cheese is in the near future...that will require a lot of drinking.  For sure!

Hello....is anyone out there?

So I decided to start writing this blog; maybe it will be therapeutic, maybe it will provide an outlet, maybe it will entertain someone.  For whatever reason, self importance maybe, so I can think I am so much cooler than I am, I decided to just go for it.  I am a writer by nature, it’s always been what I like to do, what I am good at.  Of course, that’s legal and analytical writing, not entertainment.  So here it goes I guess, what have I got to lose.

I guess an introduction of sorts is in order.  Just call me K.  I live in the DC suburbs, but am from the NYC suburbs originally – born and bred.  So I have always lived close to the action, but not “in” the action.  I married my college sweetheart, who by the way, was also my junior high sweetheart, and my third grade sweetheart.  Yeah, we are so those people (though not high school sweethearts, thank you very much).  So we’ve been together 13 years, married for 5…and we have 17 month old twins.

Now before you think we live some blessed life, which we do, it is not without it’s share of trials and tribulations.  Those 17 month old twins (a boy and a girl) took about 3+ years of trying to get to.  Lots of the traditional method, lots of ovulation kits, books about “embracing my fertility,” home test kits, lab test kits, an HSG (hysterosalpinogram) from hell (thank you tilted cervix!), diagnosed male factor infertility, one chemical pregnancy, one round of clomid (which by the way makes your skin feel like it’s on fire), three failed IUI’s, lots of injectables, transvaginal ultrasounds every other day during those cycles, blood tests, possible PCOS, possible endometriosis, one round of IVF with ICSI – and finally SUCCESS.  And for those of you who never go through fertility issues – consider yourselves lucky.  Infertility is by far the most isolating, lonely, and depressing thing anyone can ever experience.  And for the record, if you ever experience said issues, I GUARANTEE that everyone you know will turn up pregnant when you can’t get it done.  Just to rub it in…well maybe not purposefully but it sure feels like someone is just giving you a big middle finger.  But I could go on about infertility and all that for hours…

Anyway, we survived…and came out on the other end with the most ADORABLE kids you could wish for… M is the brightest, smartest little girl.  She never stops talking and gives the best kisses.  And B is the sweetest boy, who worships his older sister (by 2 minutes!) and gives the best hugs…but whines like no other (he is male, I suppose).  They are all over the place. 

My husband A…the best man you will ever meet.  He would give anyone the shirt off of his back, even if he just met you.  Of course, if you cross him, watch out.  He has got a vengeful streak.  Luckily, I don’t have to worry much about that…Of course, A got fired/laid off/left his job…whatever you want to call it, back in January.  I convinced him to go back to community college and pursue what he really wants to do with his life…but in the meantime, we need him to find something to pay the bills, keep the kids in school, and such.  ‘Course, the economy sucks, unemployment is raging…it’s a jungle out there…and they ain’t hiring.

Then of course, there is Phoebe, the dwarf beagle.  I kid you not.  I adopted a dog from the local pound (I don’t care what those PETA people say, I went to the kill shelter because, HELLO, isn’t it better to save a dog from certain death, than go to a no kill shelter and save a dog that is destined to live?) and first I almost left with Lucy, the epileptic beagle…my husband talked me out of that one (thank you dear, I owe you…as does Lucy, who otherwise would certainly be dead because I did not give her the antiseizure meds every 12 hours exactly, since I can’t remember to zip my own fly…).  Instead, I left with Phoebe.  At a year old, she seemed small, but it never occurred to me that she was different.  Until we met the beagle down the street…the one that was about 6 inches taller than her…not longer – same size dog, just Phoebe’s legs are literally about 3 inches long.  She looks like a regular beagle, but with these itty bitty legs.  Of course, short dogs are prone to back injuries…wish I knew that sooner.  You know before I spent $2400 on one night in the intensive care ER…followed by a trip to the “pet MRI” and 3 more days in the hospital for a grand total of $7700.  2 herniated discs requiring a neurosurgeon to do spinal surgery.  All for a free dog from the pound.

Good times…

Of course, lastly, there is me.  Middle class, raised as the daughter of a blue collar cop/military man and a retail worker.  One sister (who, by the way, while I hated her growing up – I mean to the point I threw a dining room chair at her, and not one of those light ones, I mean a heavy one – though she earned it, she used to dig her fingernails into my forearm so deep it drew blood…to this day, I can withstand things on my arms like no other) who is my best friend in the entire world.  Growing up, I was the overachiever and the fat friend… she will cringe that I say this-, and she was the thin, pretty, popular one.  As much as we hated each other – I idolized her…and loved when I was a freshman and she was a senior and she drove me to and from school (part of the requirement of mom and dad paying her insurance) so when she went out after school I had to go with her…and for the record, to this day I remain tight (as is she) with the friends who seemed to love me, even if she didn’t.  As the typical smart one, I did all the overachiever things: took honors classes, had a high GPA, went away to college, followed that with law school, graduated with honors, passed the bar (in a foreign state where I was totally unfamiliar with the law) on my first try.  Yeah kinda tooting my own horn here…

So I spend my day defending the civil rights of employees of a very large, we will call it, a non-profit – since it is a nonprofit.  When I get home, I am mom.  Oh, then of course I just applied for a job in my free time.  Wait, did I say free time?  I don’t have free time.  In my after hours…ok, in the time I am not working at my PAID job, I applied for a job with local government (just a contract gig, using my legal background to help employees there).  Clearly I am nuts.  So clearly in between ALL that…I decided, let me start a blog.  What was I thinking….I need a drink….