Enough is enough.

And the hits keep on coming...again, as my 32nd year of life begins, I am reminded of just how lucky I am.  How fragile life can be, how incredibly cruel it can be, how fate can just take something so magical and pervert it into something terrible.

Someone I knew back in the days, from the old neighborhood, I wouldn't say a friend of mine at any point in time, but one of those guys you knew, still lives back in my old town.  Popular guy, successful, family - for all intents and purposes, he stayed the guy you want to be.  Last week, he had to endure a week filled with such highs and lows, I cannot even imagine.

His wife went to the hospital to deliver their second daughter...their first, a toddler.  After some time, they ended up doing an emergency c-section.  Announced it on facebook, everything was great, they were the luckiest parents...an hour later, she was found on the floor, blue.  A blood clot from the the c-section.  She had emergency open heart surgery. She was put in a medically induced coma.  Friday, she was declared brain dead.  Saturday, they removed life support. 
In one week, they went from the beauty of life beginning to the tragedy of life ending.  It makes you hug your kids a little tighter...

And my other friend, her daughter is still having breathing issues, small seizures...pray please.

On a good note, another friend deliver two LARGE and heatlhy twins boys on my birthday...hooray for good news.

Bittersweet...

Today was a challenging day...the twins 18 month check up, and they clearly woke up on the wrong side of the crib today. By 9am I was counting the minutes til I could indulge in a glass of pinot.  And yet, as stressful and chaotic as the day turned out to be (cranky federal investigators hounding me for witness interviews, unavailable deputy superintendents, piles of work awaiting on my desk, an hour long back log at the pediatrician's office thanks to an accident on the beltway, coworkers wanting my precious moments, other coworkers seeking me to do their jobs for them, etc)...I am so grateful to have two healthy and strong toddlers.

A friend from way back has been on my mind as of late.  We haven't spoken in years, and I have only kept track of her through mutual friends...thank you Facebook! Yesterday her precious baby girl had brain surgery...and that's not even the half of it.  Her first son, healthy, her second son, began having seizures just hours after being born, and medication does little to curb them.  He is a beautiful boy, but at 6, is unable to walk.  After genetic testing, doctors assured her and her husband there was virtually no chance another baby would have similar problems.  Just hours after her baby girl was born, she started seizing.  Medication has not done much.  The little girl is just over a year old. 

Last week she ended up back in the hospital - life flighted back to Miami, home is in Texas - after a 2 hour cluster of seizures, and her rescue meds just didn't make much difference.  So yesterday she had brain surgery.  They are hoping this means no more seizures...and for her and her mom's sake, I pray it is so. 

As hard as twins are, I cannot even IMAGINE how difficult her journey is. Just daily life must be so trying...I am glad she has a supportive family and friends.  So as trying as my days are, as much and as hard as it is...when you look at someone else's journey, sometimes, it makes your just little easier to take in.

But I am still having my glass of pinot tonight...

Back to the drawing board…

One week post hubby getting a new job, we are back to where we started from.  It’s not his fault mind you.  This position wanted him to commit pretty much 12 hour days, 5 days a week, 2 weekends a month, and be on call at all other times.  I’m sorry, no job is worth that.  I went the whole week making it work, pointing out the good things, telling him we just needed to adjust.  But then they said he needed to commit weekends too and be on call.  That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

It wasn’t that I couldn’t manage.  I think I surprised everyone, especially me, at how I was able to handle being a single mom.  Granted, I don’t know how women do it all the time – they deserve medals!  But I got a taste, and surprised even myself.  But in that week, A. missed sooooo much.  M.’s words are coming fast and furious.  Yesterday, she said the dogs name…so cute to hear her say Phoebe!  And it was hard to be at the Touch-a-Truck event, and not let the kids run, because I can’t chase 2 kids in opposite directions, and to know their Dad would have had so much fun with them.

Still, there was no way A. would be able to go back to school like he planned.  There is no way he could even make it home before the kids went to bed at night.  So it is for the best.  Now I am just praying something else comes along.  Last night when we decided, I was so happy to have my husband back.  Not just to help, but I have missed him.  It’s not the same when he isn’t around.  So now he is back to looking for the next opportunity.  And I pray to God it comes soon, because no my money anxiety has returned.  The pit is back in my stomach, as I wonder how we will cover our bills.  I know we will be fine, but now that uncertainty is back to nagging me.  I just hope he finds something soon.  He really is happier when he is working…but like a human, not a glorified slave.

And so it begins...

Hubby started his brand new fantastic job...and the first day, he was excited, happy, hopeful.  Yesterday, day 2, he was deflated, anxious, apprehensive.  He is freaking out because it's his first week and already he has to work Satruday.  It is the busy time of the month.  He is annoyed because he has to work to help the others on their tasks, but no one helps him on his - he is essentially a  one man team.  Knowing him the way I do - i.e. better than he knows himself - I know that he is freaking out because it's a BIG change, it's something totally new and he still has no idea what he is doing and it's bigger responsibility.  I KNOW that once he learns his way around and knows what he is doing, he is going to like his job, if not love it.  Right now, he is just having a pseudo - buyers remorse.  And he is scared.

He doesn't do scared well.  He thinks I am a control freak, but at the same time, he is just as bad.  And he is at the whim of others for training and learning the ropes.  Once he is past this, I am certain he will be fine.  Plus he knows the twins are a handful, so I know he feels bad leaving me alone with them.  At the same time, while I wish he could be there, I am not the first woman to have to handle multiples alone. I mean how many single moms of twins are there, probably a ton.  I know I can do this, it just takes an adjustment.  Something neither of us are good at. 

In the meantime, I am trying to keep him positive, trying to stay supportive, and trying to make him understand what is really going on in his head.  It's hard because to see the 180 degree shift is hard.  But I know it's just the adrenaline going away and being replaced with a general feeling of, "What the f--- did I just do?"  His anxiety is giving me anxiety..but at the same time, in my head I know it IS the right decision/choice.  It's just an adjustment period.  I just hope I can convince him of that!

Today was a super good, very good day!

FINALLY!! After three months and many prayers DH, A. has secured bona fide employment.  And when I say that I mean, he has secured a job that is so much  better than the one he had before...a real adult job, with a real exempt salary, the prospect of business trips and long hours.Most people might find this upsetting, disturbing that he might not be around as much, but to me its fantastic.  And I don't say that because I don't like my husband - I LOVE him.  But it's the idea that he might enjoy going to work, and what he does - that he might get the satisfaction I do from my job.  I am so excited for him I could scream.

Of course, the increased salary helps too.

And I love that this position was supposed to be out of California...and he interviewed for a different job...and wowwed them as he wows me, and they said, hey, this can be done in Virginia, where you are...you're hired!

I am so excited.  SOOOO EXCITED.....and did I mention it has a higher salary...and I get to get my cleaning lady once a month.  SOOOOO EXCITED!!